What I Can Remember from My Hospital Stay to Have a Baby

I don’t remember much about the time I spent in the hospital after having my girls. I mean, I do... but I don’t. 

I vaguely remember the pain while contracting with Emma. My body was trying to break itself (literally) with each contraction, and the pain was excruciating even with lots and LOTS of drugs. At one point I told my husband that I just wanted to die. I also asked him to just punch me and knock me out of my misery, but that’s not here nor there.

I do remember though how my doctor could just walk into the room and understand 100% what was going on and what I was feeling, and then magically wave her wand and make it all better. I will forever be grateful for her existence in my life as my doctor. She rocks.

Emma

I kind of remember freaking out when my lower body went numb for my c-section with Alice. It was different than with Emma, and when it happened I think I panicked thinking that the feeling would never come back. It’s a very strange and scary sensation. *And said awesome doctor was very professional dealing with my psycho actions of trying to rock myself off the table.

But, I very much remember how I heard Alice cry for the first time. I arched my neck a bit when I heard it to see the nurse put her little blue body into the heated bed to be checked all over. I stared at her wiggling away in there until they brought her over to see me. She was all puffy and tiny, and covered in goo, but she was so unbelievably gorgeous!

Alice

I can just barely recall the stiff sheets, cold room, and horrible smells all over the hospital. The noise all night long, and the inconsiderate “neighbors” who would be loud at all hours so that you could never get any rest.

But, I can remember like it was yesterday the sound of the nurses wheeling the girls in to me (I would get so excited), and how they would smell when they left and then return when they were hungry. It’s like they put this special lotion on their heads so that every time I would smell it my eyes would roll back and I would fall deeper in love.

Emma

I sort of remember all of the pain and heartache with both girls when the breast-feeding wouldn’t go as planned. I think they both starved the first few days (maybe months) of life.

But I remember the looks on their faces when they would be comforted during nursing sessions; while they lasted, as brief of a stint as it was. They were always at such peace then. Like the world would drift away and they were right where they needed to be. And I remember how it made me feel like I was finally doing something right.

Alice

I can’t tell you how many times people have told me that they are never having kids because of all the gross stuff that happens, as well as the pain. It may be 3 days of total hell, but in the end, you get to take home this wonderful piece of Heaven. Even after almost 4 years of having a child in the home, I still can’t believe I’m a Mom. And a Mom of two now to boot!

I don’t know why God allowed me to have this wonderful job, but I am so thankful every day that He did. 

I birthed both of my children via c-section at DePaul Hospital in Bridgeton, Missouri. The hospital and staff were just wonderful! I know that a lot of moms-to-be want a spa-like experience at other hospitals, but I can honestly say that you will not have a friendlier staff (trust me, we looked around first), or a more willing-to-help staff than at DePaul. And my OBYGN is Dr. Cartwright at Genesis OBGYN, also located at DePaul Hospital (she also delivers babies at two additional locations).

My Long, Overdue Breastfeeding Story

*Image pulled from Pinterest.

I get a lot of questions about my personal breastfeeding experience. I’ve never really blogged about it, but maybe I should.

When I was pregnant with my first, I read a LOT of articles in magazines, online, and through social media of course. I had a firm grasp of what I wanted, and what I didn’t. And formula was one thing I didn’t want. Something just tugged at me to breastfeed. It was so… exciting. So… chic. Lol.

Let me tell you now, that my family (my CLOSE family) is not a big group of “breastfeeders.” In fact, I’m almost positive that my Mom would squirm and cringe every time I talked to her about my thoughts on  nursing. She didn’t nurse me, and honestly, I’m not sure anyone really did in the family except for one “hippie” in-law and some distant family members that we rarely ever saw. So, nobody really knew what to expect, including myself.

Here came the day when Emma (my oldest) was born. I had an awful birthing experience, and I was super groggy when they wheeled me into my family-filled room. I couldn’t tell you if I slept, or if they brought her in right away, but they literally walked in and said “okay, she’s hungry!” Um, what?

I shooed everyone out except the hubs, and I told the nurse that I hadn’t a clue what the heck I was supposed to do. I read that they don’t latch on right away, and you have to coax them to do it. Well, Emma pretty much did it on her own, but it was touch and go with how long she could stay attached. Can I just say that it is so crazy that a baby can just be born, be put to a breast and they’re like “Okay, I know exactly what to do here.” Haha. It just blows my mind.

I’ll never forget the nurse coming in while I was breastfeeding baby Emma and using her pinky to “pop her off” and help me get the right angle to get just the right latch. I wanted to say “Lady, this is not something I’m comfortable with,” but quite frankly, they are all so used to it, and by this time I had laid naked in a room full of almost a dozen people and had more than enough doctors and nurses “down there,” that I guess I didn’t care all that much in the end.

With my first born, the lactation consultant wasn’t really around. I didn’t get any real help, and I didn’t go home with hand-outs or information on who to call if I had a hard time. I was flying solo. I rented a hospital-grade pump while I was still admitted, and we all headed home doe-eyed and terrified.

I was pretty “out there” when nursing at home. Unless my Mom was around, I didn’t cover up, and I rarely wore a bra or real clothing. However, when my Mom was around, I used a cover (just a nursing blanket) and Emma would eat quietly and discreetly. I’m pretty sure my Mom was still uncomfortable with it though because she’d go outside during mealtimes frequently. *My Mom stayed home with me for four of the eight weeks I was off work.

Now, to the details. It hurt. Breastfeeding hurt me SO bad. I have a very high tolerance for pain; this c-section was my 8^th surgery and I went years and years with a chronic condition that was painful every single day. I can deal with pain. However, this pain is like no other. The suction would be like pulling a needle out from the center of your breast through your nipple. Once they latch on it’s a very strong suction that would force me to double over in pain. Once she was latched though and feeding normally, it was fine. But the first 20 seconds was like nothing I’ve ever felt or experienced before. I think for me, it was worse than labor.

I tried to Google my issues. I found others out there like me, but they mostly had medical conditions causing it (think mastitis and infections). At my check-up with my OB, she took a look and everything was completely fine. Emma was a very large baby. She had a very healthy appetite. In fact, what I didn’t mention was that in the hospital, I wasn’t making enough to feed her, so we had to supplement with formula. The one thing I DIDN’T want, I had to break down and give to her on day 3 of life because otherwise we would not be allowed to take her home (she was losing too much weight).

Because of the pain (and the usual hormones), I had some serious post-partum depression kicking in. I lied on my questionnaire at the OB office, and so I wasn’t getting any help for it either. I stopped eating. My husband (who was so adoring at the time) would go early in the morning before work to get me yummy things to eat, and by the time he got home from work 10 hours later, it would still be sitting exactly where he left it. In fact, in my daily fog, I don’t think I really drank either. It got to where I wasn’t making nearly enough milk for her. It was probably 80% formula and 20% milk. *I only gained 20 pounds during pregnancy, and at my four week check after, I had lost 40.

I would pump between feedings to try to increase my supply, but I seriously was so foggy in my head that I didn’t realize my lack of food or water was drying me up. I would pump for 40 minutes and not even get 2 ounces (for BOTH breasts combined). Then two hours later Emma would latch on and probably get even less, so I’d turn around and feed her the milk and supplement formula. I had to get up all through the night to pump to try to keep it going. This went on for weeks. It was a vicious cycle.

I started bleeding really bad from my nipples. I would notice the blood getting on Emma’s lips. Sometimes pieces of my nipple would fall off while showering and I’d worry about Emma swallowing it. I would freak out and just supplement formula until I thought it had healed a bit. Those are just some of the things that happened in the last couple days.

I finally couldn’t take it anymore. At just 7 weeks, I stopped nursing. I fell into a slump. I was upset that I couldn’t provide for my child. By day two of no breastfeeding though, the fog was already lifting. I was starting to see clearly again and my depression was fading. I was still upset, but now more so that I didn’t have a better game plan; that I didn’t see this type of curveball being thrown at me and maybe a little that I didn’t have the support that I needed.

Looking back with a clear head though, I did have a support group. I could have gone to my Mommy Blogger friends (who I became very close with, in the last few months of pregnancy) who were having great successes with nursing. Out of my fog, I saw that they were baking lactation cookies, calling into the hospitals to talk to consultants, and so much more. I was so blind to all of it. One of my closest Mommy friends was even making so much milk, that she later donated a lot to women who needed it. Why didn’t I reach out to them?

I also feel like I should have told my OB, who I love, about the depression I was battling. Although, at the time, I don’t think I knew it was depression; I think I thought it was just hormones messing with my feelings and emotions. I always pictured postpartum depression as not wanting your baby or to be a mother all of a sudden, but I think there are many different forms of it.

Anyway, Emma is just great and as smart as can be… and she was formula fed. She does have asthma, and she gets a lot of colds, but is that because of my lack of nursing? I’ll never know. But, it is what it is and I did what I could. I love her unconditionally, and that’s all that matters, right?

Now, I’m not done yet. I did have a second baby just 8 months ago. With Alice, I knew what I’d be facing, and I had a whole new game plan. And you know what? It didn’t work. It was just as painful and foggy with her. I stopped nursing her at just 5 weeks. And again, on day two of no breastfeeding, the fog lifted. I was a happier Momma and I could think clearly. I just don’t think it was meant to be. I even started pumping in the hospital and by the third day my milk was in. But, when I got home and had to fend for myself (and force myself to eat) it all went downhill and I stopped producing.

I guess breastfeeding isn’t for me. I’m not sure what I would do if I had a third child. I’d like to say that I would try again, even if it was just for a few weeks to give her all the good stuff that comes out at first, but I can’t guarantee that I would. It messes with my head. Literally. I’d almost rather feed them formula and be clear-headed to remember everything. It was all so foggy in the beginning with both girls, that I can’t remember all that much of my maternity leave. Isn’t that sad? Precious little babies, and all I have are pictures and a handful of memories.

I get a lot of questions like, “Could it have been the pain killers that were causing your fogginess?” My answer is NO. With my first, I actually stopped taking pain killers in the hospital. The c-section went well, and with my high tolerance for pain, I didn’t feel the need to take them. I even got up and walked the very next day and left the hospital a day early too. It was depression. If it wasn’t for my Mom staying with me, I would have done nothing but feed Emma and sleep. I am so grateful for her. She’s the best mother (I only hope I can come close to being that great of a Mom one day).

Some people ask me if there was anything I would have done differently that may have changed the outcome. Well, there might be. With both pregnancies, while I was in the later months, I would wear a strapless bra and a sports bra over it. I felt more comfortable, while my breasts were getting larger, to have the extra support. But, if you’ve read up on your breastfeeding rules, you’ve likely noticed that you’re not supposed to wear tight clothing around your breasts. It can hinder or stop your milk supply. Maybe this applies before baby too. Maybe if I didn’t hold them in so tightly, they would have started “filling up” earlier. I don’t know.

I do have a friend that I think battled a similar situation as me. She mentioned to me that it made her “crazy.” I’m not sure what she meant by it, but maybe the fogginess is more common that we/I know. She recently had another child and did not nurse them at all. When I saw her, she seemed perfectly normal – still had a glow actually.

So, there you have it. My breastfeeding experiences. If you’re lucky enough to be able to do it and be successful, that’s awesome! If it doesn’t go as planned, well, there are far worse things than formula. Right?

Do you have any questions for me? Or maybe you have some suggestions for my readers? Don’t be shy! 

My Eventful (Hospital) Monday

Monday was an eventful day. Lemme’ back up…

On Sunday morning (which was Easter), I spent the majority of the time in the kitchen. I made a French toast bake the night before that I popped into the oven, I was unmolding the Jell-o eggs, and making almost a dozen deviled eggs (or should I say almost two dozen because I halved them; not sure on the correct term there). After breakfast I showered and got ready for the day. The last thing I did to get ready was try to squeeze into some maternity jeans that I got for $5 at a consignment sale, that were clearly too small for me.

Right before we go to walk out the door, I remind myself to pee first (because let’s face it, I go every half an hour and who knows if I’d be in agony on our 15 minute car ride). Low and behold, what did I see when I sat down??? Blood. I panicked for a bit. “Is that really blood? Could it be something else? When did I feel the baby move last? Oh God, has she moved all morning!?!”

I ran into the bedroom and laid on my side (well-known position to feel baby kicks) as I called the OB’s emergency line. My message to them sounded something like “My name is ___, date of birth is ____, I’m 30 weeks along and I’m bleeding. It’s old blood, not fresh, but I didn’t have this with my first one. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do from here.” As soon as I hung up I felt the baby kick. Whew!

Not even 30 seconds later, the phone rang and it was a doctor out of the office (there are three doctors at the location I go to). I’m sure she heard the shaking in my voice. She asked me a lot of questions about my recent activities, and I think all of them were “no.” I then explained that I overdid it at the zoo the day before (felt some cramping and pressure in my abdomen; almost like I pulled a muscle), I was on my feet for a few hours Saturday night as well baking an Easter cake, and I did some hopping around the house squeezing into a too-small pair of pants just 20 minutes earlier. She said I shouldn’t be too concerned and bleeding is normal during pregnancy, much to my surprise. I thought maybe early on, but this late?

She told me to watch for fresh blood, or more of it. She said I need to take it easy and stay off my feet. Watch for pressure when I’m standing or walking (ummm, I’ve had that for MONTHS now), look for changes in my body like swelling, headaches, fever, etc. That was it. The rest of Sunday was boring really since I couldn’t do much. Everyone all day was all “don’t pick her up, don’t walk down the stairs, sit back down and take it easy…” It made things pretty dull for the most part. I did get to catch up with Aunt Sharon, and it was nice huddling around the dining room table watching Emma open all her eggs.

By Sunday night, most of the bleeding had stopped. Whew! Just a blip.

Monday morning, the blood was done. No more. Yay! I got ready and went to work. It seemed to be the start of a great day. However, I parked in my normal parking spot, walked inside the office building, set my stuff down, and I felt a lot of pressure. I actually felt it once I got to the top of the hill outside, but once I reached the top of the stairs I was dragging! I swear a foot could have been out or something. I went to the restroom, and the blood was back… and intense!

I got done what needed to be done right away, and then I called the doctor around 10:30 am. She said I should go to the evaluation unit on the maternity ward level of the hospital. So at 11:00 am I left work and headed there.

Once I got to the hospital, the evaluation unit was closed. CLOSED!?!?! I went to the maternity ward, and they said that since they didn’t have any patients, they closed that unit and they admitted any patients going there, into the ward instead. Oh joy. So I got to wear the great hospital gown, got a bed and room all to myself, hospital bracelet and all. At that point, I knew it would be an all-day event.

The nurses moved quickly since there weren’t many women there that day. By 12:30 pm I was already having the speculum test done to check for fluid and such. It was at that time that the nurse made a comment something like “wow, that’s some different blood.” To save you the gross details, I'll just say that it was stringy at this point. The nurse kept asking me to cough (and that hurts when the speculum is there and all), and she noticed that when I cough I bleed more. At that point, she had to leave the room and call the doctor to let her know what she saw.

She came back about 45 minutes later, and let me know that my bag of waters wasn’t broken at all, but the bleeding and the amount of blood was puzzling everyone. So I needed to have an ultrasound done. It wasn’t a surprise though when she told me it would be at least a three hour wait to get in for the ultrasound since there wasn’t anything life-threatening going on.

I updated everyone on my status, and Gene felt bad that he wasn’t there with me so he left work and got there about 2:00 pm.  I watched some good tv until I was wheeled away for the ultrasound. A student doctor followed us to watch, which was fine by me, and actually worked out better because they looked the baby all over to show her all the organs and everything on the baby. Hey, if I’m going to pay out the wazoo for this ultrasound, at least I’m getting some good looks! We even got to have a couple 4D images of her!

The fetal-monitoring doctor came in and talked to me about the possibilities. They didn’t see any clotting, and nothing going on with the placenta or cervix. I asked how they could tell about the back side of everything and that’s when she told me that she can’t. At 30 weeks, the baby is too big and the bones are no longer frail, so they are unable to see through her to the back of the placenta. So she said that there was a chance that there could be a small detachment on the back that we wouldn’t know about. That had me worried.

They wheeled me back to the room, and the nurse called my doctor to go over the results of the ultrasound and where to go from there. It was rather quick from there on out. She came back and said that my doctor thinks it’s my cervix and isn’t worried about the placenta. I guess it’s normal for your cervix to bleed (I forget the term they used to say that it bleeds a lot, it started with an “f”). I was told to watch for the same things, as well as others like vision impairment, contractions, etc. I have my standing appointment with my doctor on the 21^st, so they said no “hanky panky,” no heavy lifting, no exercising (ha!), don’t stand too long, don’t sit too long, and rest while at home until I see her then.

I’ve been trying to take it easy, but it’s so hard! The baby’s room isn’t done, the house is a mess, the chores never stop, and I still have a full-time job of course! I have been doing things as normal since the bleeding stopped (Tuesday afternoon), but I’m taking breaks often to make sure that I’m not overdoing it. I have a cough that won’t seem to go away, so I cough most of the day, which pulls on my stomach muscles and for the last day and a half every time I walk on my right foot I feel a slight pull in my lower abdomen. But I’m really trying. I cut down my trips up and down the stairs at work, I take breaks more at home, I get up and walk more at work, etc.

I’ve got less than NINE weeks to go now, and as much as I want her here, this baby girl needs to keep cooking in there for now. I want her to come out strong!

So that was my eventful Monday. I forgot to mention that I couldn’t eat or drink the entire time in the hospital, so as soon as we left (5:45 pm), we hit up Olive Garden! Yum!

The Friday Four - 4.3.15 (and a pregnancy update)

LIKE – You’re going to think I’m nuts here, but I’m really liking spearmint ChapStick! For Christmas, my Mom bought me a three-pack of ChapStick as a stocking stuffer. One of the “flavors” was spearmint. Guys, it is awesome! The only downside is that I have no idea where to buy more. It seems that most places only have the original flavors (colors black, baby blue and red). I know what you’re thinking… “out of a two week time span, all she could like is ChapStick?” Hahaha, well, it’s that good!

LOVE – I love that I finally know that our newest baby will be a little girl. I’ve already ordered and received the decorations for her room, and Emma is already moved into her “big girl room.” She is surprisingly taking to her new room really well, but it’s still a long process because we are now fitting all of the stuff from her old room, plus all of her toys, into her new room. This is why we need to sell our house and get a new place with a play area. I digress. The baby girl’s room may just stay the white and sorbet orange it is now, but I’ll add pops of yellow and maroon. I started looking at decals tonight, but nothing is standing out for me yet. I hope to have it all done in the next couple weeks because I’m blowing up fast and getting uncomfortable.

WANT – I want a stinking snocone! On my birthday (March 28^th), Molly O’s Tropical Sno in St. Charles was supposed to re-open for the season. I had every intention of hitting it up, but we never had the time. Then we were going to the day after, but after cake and ice cream with my parents, I couldn’t take any more sugar. So here it is, a few days later, and I still haven’t had my shaved ice. Can you just picture my sad, pregnant, no snocone face?

HATE – Remember how I told you about the “wonder weeks” in my last Friday Four? Well, we had like two or three awesome days in the last 2 weeks (all in a row), and at this point, if Emma was like 11 years older I’d swear it was that time of the month for her. She’s so emotional right now and I can’t tell if it’s her “cloudy days” or if it’s a growth spurt. She cried all the way to school this morning because it wasn’t her birthday. It all started because I asked her if she was going to have fun at the Easter party. So she says “Is the party for my birthday?” I replied “No, your birthday isn’t until July.” Cue the water works. Real tears here people; tears and uncontrollable crying. No binky could console her, and no matter what I said it just made it worse. I’m hating all of these rollercoaster emotions. I can’t keep up. I feel like this is what my husband felt like while we were dating right out of high school.

PREGNANCY UPDATE:

As of tomorrow (Friday), I will officially be at the 30 week mark. I’m in the last fourth of my pregnancy journey. Thank goodness!!! I set the date, and unless God has something else in mind, I’m due for a scheduled C-Section on Monday, June 8^th. With that said, I’m actually only 9 weeks and 3 days away. Single digits!

I’m gaining about a pound per week. I feel like it’s more like five pounds per week though. I’m getting bigger (everywhere), my feet are growing/swelling, I’m out of breath a lot from the lack of room for my lungs, I get physically tired from the smallest of tasks (think grocery shopping), and I’m just all around uncomfortable. It was not like this with Emma at all. Granted, I ate a lot better and was hitting up the gym three days a week when I got pregnant. But, this big difference is making me very whiney and I’m not sure if it’s from the fact that I’m uncomfortable, or if it’s the fact that I have to rely on other people for so many things which I clearly hate.

Food seems to be my enemy. This baby (or my body) is wanting nothing but sugar. Cookies, ice cream, pasta, bread… anything that has a lot of sugar in it is unfortunately what I want. I’m still waiting for my glucose test results, but I can already see them being bad. I try to avoid it, I really do, but it’s like it’s all I can think about. Even when I think I’m being good, I’m really not. Those prepackaged oatmeal packs are so high in sugar content!

All-in-all, this pregnancy is pretty normal. I’m struggling to find words to even type out because it’s nothing new or exciting. I can say that Emma is very excited, but in an “I don’t really know this is real” way. She tickles the baby (my belly) all the time, says that the baby is laughing or happy, says she feels her kicking… but she’s just imagining it all. Or playing pretend. If I hold her in my arms, she will even yell “the baby’s coming out!” I don’t think she really knows there’s a baby in there, or that in nine short weeks the baby will be here and our worlds turned upside-down. In the meantime, she can keep kissing my belly and loving on her baby sister as practice for the real thing. ;-)

I think that while we wait out this last bit of time we have left, I will spoil Emma greatly. I want to enjoy this time together, before she’s no longer the center of my universe, but HALF of it instead. 

16 Week Pregnancy Update & MORE

Don’t you just love this time of year?!? I know I do. I can feel it in my bones that a new year and new chapter is going to start soon. Not to mention that Valentine’s Day is less than two months away. ;-)

Pregnancy Update:

Woweee… to say that I’m tired would be an understatement. I am downright lethargic. Please, don’t ask me to move or get up to answer the phone. I don’t want to go to the copier. I don’t even want to get up to pee. I want to sleep!

I’m averaging about nine hours a night right now (interrupted, of course) and it’s nowhere near enough. I try to stay up later because I keep wondering if I’m getting too much sleep and it’s causing me to feel more tired, but I can hardly keep my eyes open past 8pm. I think I would be fine if I could have caffeine throughout the day, but sadly I am against it altogether while pregnant (to each their own, I’m just against doing it myself). I try to nourish my body with energy boosting foods, but it’s of no use; I’m still tired. I’ve brought it up to my OB a couple times, but she assures me that it’s normal for a Mom of a toddler, who works full-time, to just be tired all day long.

I’m tired of being tired. Hrmph!

If you missed it before, I have to have an ultrasound every four weeks until my 20 week appointment to check out the thickness and length of my cervix. I’m at high risk of cervical incompetence; that’s a fancy term for early dilation (which means I could deliver the baby at any time). I just had my 16 week appointment today. My cervix is “perfect” at the moment (it’s at a four if that means anything to you), so it looks like I should be good as long as my 20 week goes well. While they were checking out the cervix, I caught some glimpses of the baby kicking and squirming all around. The ultrasound tech was nice enough to even take an “outside” look to see the baby’s head as well, and she shot me a good picture.  

FYI – We got an early look at the gender. Nothing is set in stone though because the “parts” aren’t developed enough to be certain (that’s why women go in at 20 weeks for the gender look), but we have a pretty good idea. Nope, we aren’t telling until we are sure!

I also got a chance to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I’ve seen the heart flutters on the screen multiple times now (because of my many ultrasounds to watch to see if I was having twins), but nothing compares to hearing your baby. I could have listened to it for hours.

One last note… the stomach flu and whatever bug I have right now has set me back 6 pounds. I’m not complaining really because I feel a bit lighter on my feet and my belly is rounding out nicely, but I just hope I’m getting everything I need from what I eat and drink to keep the baby healthy. I mean, prenatal vitamins can only go so far, right?

Christmas:

Christmas was a great time for the Brink family. We had three Christmas parties to attend, and then Christmas day was circled around Emma (and Mom, Dad, Gene and I) getting gifts and playing the day away. She was exhausted at the end of all the festivities, and so was this Mommy. I took down the Christmas decorations three days after Christmas. We are moving on! Or trying to… I keep finding toys for Emma that I forgot to put out.

Side note – We taught Emma all about how Christmas is a celebration of Baby Jesus (He’s a baby because that’s the only way to keep her interested at this point). Well, low and behold, she got five new baby dolls on Christmas morning, and guess what all of their names are. That’s right. Baby Jesus.

I hope Jesus isn’t mad at us for flubbing that up. :-/

New Years:

Well, we’ve decided not to do anything this year for New Year’s Eve. Besides going grocery shopping. We were invited to a few events this year, but I just can’t get in the mood. Like I said before, I’m tired all the time. Plus, whatever we did would have to be kid friendly and eventful for Emma. It’s just all too much this year. We have a wedding to attend on Saturday, so that’ll be our chance to go out and have a fun time.

Other Notes:

I’m really looking forward to Valentine’s Day. I always do, but this year it’s on a Saturday, so it’ll be our date night out and I think we are going to try to make reservations for Maggiano’s! So dinner, maybe some shopping, maybe a movie, who knows!

I’m using the gift cards from Christmas to buy some new maternity clothes. Of course with Emma I didn’t get big enough to wear them until it was summer clothes time. This time, I’m busting at the seams at just 16 weeks!

Work is kicking my butt. It has gotten so busy and I’m always doing so many things. I think that’s a big part of my lethargy lately. I may sit at a desk, but my brain must be on overdrive because I am pooped.

I’m hoping the next five months just fly by. I’m ready to meet our bundle of joy! That’s our big to-do for 2015! 

Pregnancy, Santa Claus, and Baby Jesus

PREGNANCY UPDATE:

Well, I’m starting my second trimester. The first trimester was tough and I’m so glad it’s over! There was morning sickness, exhaustion, and waves of doubt. Again, SO glad it’s over.

It’s amazing how different two pregnancies can be. Multiple people tell me that this time around it’s a boy, and that’s why it’s so different. We won’t know for sure until the end of January, but my gut is telling me that they are right. I just knew Emma was a girl, and somehow, I just know this one is a boy.

The first time around, with Emma, pregnancy was a gift! I was glowing and I felt like a million bucks! It actually “healed” me in ways and it was one of the best times of my life. Right now though, there is more negative than positive (although a new baby is the greatest gift ever so I’m not REALLY complaining). I am extremely tired and lack energy all day long, I have heartburn and indigestion, I’m gaining weight rapidly, I have this “eh, I don’t care” feeling about everything… I can’t explain it all, but it’s almost like a depression of some sort. It’s odd. I couldn’t be happier about a baby, and I’m so anxious to meet them, so how can I feel like this?!?

I miss my Mommy friends this time around. If you missed it, my first pregnancy I felt alone and out of the loop, so my high school friend Megan, who was pregnant at the same time was a friend on Twitter, and she introduced me to my other (then pregnant) Mommy friends Liz, Alyssa and Angie. Since then we’ve had breakfasts, dinners, playdates, holiday events, etc. However, lately everyone is so busy with toddlerhood that it’s near impossible to see them. Liz moved away (miss you Liz!), Angie moved like to another country (Wildwood I think, lol), Megan’s husband is a farmer so her schedule is crazy, and Alyssa is a FT worker, PT professor, and an author (3 books out now) so she’s super busy these days. I did get to see Alyssa this past weekend, but Emma was a mess and it was for breakfast so it was quick. I need a playdate soon!

CHRISTMAS:

Christmas is just about two weeks away now and it’s so thrilling to watch Emma enjoy the season. She has gotten all hyped up about Santa (from school I’m guessing), so I’m spending a lot of time telling her about the real reason for the season. The only way I could capture her attention though is by referring to Him as “Baby Jesus.” So now each time we talk about Him, she says she wants to hold Him. How do you explain to a two year old that she can’t do that?

I’ve warmed up to Santa Claus surprisingly. I grew up in a house where Santa wasn’t allowed. No movies, no pictures, no toys or decorations; it was always all about Jesus. I didn’t mind it at all actually, but I want Emma to have the first few years with Santa. Only because she doesn’t really understand yet that he’s a big figure and she doesn’t look at him and presents as the big part of the holiday. In all reality, it’s the lights and decorations that she calls “Christmas.” She might finally be getting old enough to teach her about Jesus and God and read her stories from her children’s Bible, so maybe next year she will understand a bit better. FYI - she's seen two Santas already!

I splurged earlier in the year and bought us tickets to the Polar Express at Union Station, you know, since I’m okay with Santa for the moment. **Pictures to come later.** It’s so hyped up and it looked so magical! The event for us finally came on December 4^th, and let me tell you… unless you purchase the most expensive option, save your money! I was pretty disappointed with it all, and I think some other parents were as well. It’s just like any other Amtrak ride, but hotter and with treats, and Santa gets on at the end. Ugh, lots of money for nothing that special. We are going to go to the Holiday Dinner (same location) on the 23^rd, and I’m hoping that it’s not as disappointing.  

Because we started Emma in daycare this year, money has been tight for Christmas gifts. I know she’s two and she won’t remember down the road, but I want her to have everything she could want! Here is my dilemma: I don’t want my parents to upstage Mommy and Daddy. They want to spoil her as well, and I know they have already gotten her a ton of gifts including some big items, so I’m compelled to keep buying so Emma doesn’t look at our Christmas as “nothing” but Grandma and PawPaws as the “grand finale.” I know, you probably think I’m being silly. I should feel blessed that my parents want to give her a wonderful life, but it just gives me anxiety for some reason. I keep telling myself “let them do this now, because one day they might not be here to do it.”

Another thing I’m noticing with this holiday, is that Emma is all about Christmas crafts. She got a kit from Schnucks’ Santa to make her own Jingle Bell necklace and gingerbread sticker house, and she’s been asking for more crafts ever since.  So we made a Michaels run on Sunday night and got six or seven crafts for her to do. Needless to say it’s Monday night and we only have one left. Lol, she just won’t stop! Looks like I’ll be making another trip. Girlfriend loves to paint!

Surprisingly, I’m almost done with shopping. Have a wrapped a single gift? No. They are still in their shopping bags in the corner of our bedroom. Thank goodness Emma isn’t old enough to snoop yet. I just have a couple more things to buy, and I’ll be done. I’m kind of bummed about that though because I love the hustle and bustle of shopping last minute. Maybe I’ll wait for one thing until Christmas Eve just to be out in it. Haha.

How are you all holding up this holiday season?

The Brinks Are Due With Baby #2

Well, it’s official! Gene and I are expecting another baby!

We’ve actually known for at least five weeks now but we’ve kept quiet until the doctor was satisfied and we had the “green light” to spread the news. We tried for a few months to conceive and I actually know the week this baby was created which was very helpful to know for scheduling the ultrasound (instead of the traditional first-day-of-your-last-period).

I had one ultrasound done around 5 weeks to confirm the positive tests, and low and behold, there were two baby sacks in there! How exciting, right?!?! The tech couldn’t get a clear shot of the baby in one of the sacks though because they were staggered so I had to make an appointment for another ultrasound three weeks later. Talk about agony! For three weeks I went around thinking I had two babies in my belly. Well, if you’re a Facebook friend, you would have already seen by now that there is only one baby.

In the second ultrasound, the second sack was gone. The baby didn’t develop and my body absorbed the sack. Talk about a bummer. I had myself all worked up for twins. It was supposed to happen; my Mom is a twin and my Dad is a twin. I was supposed to have twins (if not five at once)!!! But, I am still 100% happy with one baby.

It was so precious to watch them in there dancing around and wiggling away. They’re probably going to be a rockstar. It made me remember when we saw Emma in there for the first time. She looked like a little gummy bear and she was just as spry as this baby is. However, this baby looks more like a sour patch kid than a gummy bear. So, I’m thinking maybe a boy??? Wouldn’t Gene be happy.

In case you’re wondering, this time around is way different than the first. Or at least I think it is. When I got pregnant with Emma I was still bartending at PYC on top of my full-time job so maybe I didn’t notice all the symptoms (if you didn’t know, I took six tests my last pregnancy and they were all negative so I didn’t find out until nine weeks in). This time around I’m so unbelievably tired all day long (I even asked my doc for a note that says I need to nap each day). My breasts hurt like you wouldn’t believe. I have gained twelve pounds already somehow. I had morning sickness each night (that just ended thank goodness). What’s funny though, is that now that I think of it, maybe it isn’t all that different. I remember wondering why I was gaining so much weight and chalked it up to eating bar food all the time. I didn’t care to drink alcohol at all and I was sick each night, which I thought was because I had drunk myself into a funk. And I vaguely remember my breasts hurting, but I thought it was because I was gaining so much weight. And of course, who wouldn’t be tired each day from working two jobs (one being until 2am some nights)? So, maybe it’s not so different after all.

So, now that we are past all of the “what ifs,” we can move on to fixing up the house to put on the market in the spring (or maybe just rent it out). I want to move on with the next chapter of our lives by finding our “forever” home in the school district that we like. So if you know of anyone interested in living in Hazelwood, or if you have some good vibes built up, please send them our way!

Thank you everyone for the well wishes on Facebook!  

Too Comfy

While I sat pondering, yet again, why Baby Brink hasn't made their arrival yet, a co-worker of mine mentioned this one good point... I've made it too good for the baby in there. Could that be it?

I've done my best (for the most part) to avoid things I shouldn't eat.

- No lunch meat to avoid listeria.
- No fish at all (only b/c I can't remember which ones are okay) - I ate tuna once, and it turned out to be canned albacore which is a no-no apparently, so I decided to avoid it altogether.
- No bean sprouts.
- No Caffeine at all - with the exception of a few sips here and there when I shared a drink with Gene or had a headache, but never more than an ounce or two a day and that really only happened a handful of times the entire 9 months.
- No alcohol, not even red wine.
- No artificial sweetner of any kind (can't remember the good from the bad).
- No frozen tv dinners. I was trying to avoid super processed foods completely, but sometimes hot dogs and pizza rolls consumed my mind.

However, I did eat 2 things that I shouldn't have supposedly.

- Raw eggs. I had mayo on quite a few occasions, as well as frozen custard a handful of times.
- White Mexican cheese. I forgot and ordered enchiladas in the third trimester which were with white cheese instead of the cheddar cheese Chevy's uses. Instead of switching with Gene I ate it anyway.

Also, I drink 80 to 100 ounces of water a day, and I rub my belly a lot. I think that because I can feel the baby, I rub it like I'm comforting the them. Maybe this is like a massage to them and they think it will stop when they are out here.

Okay, okay. I know that it's not the baby who decides when labor will start. To be honest, all websites and professionals say that nobody knows for sure what makes a woman finally go, but speculation is that it all has to do with hormones. If that's really the case, then I don't see how walking will help, or sex, or spicy food, or any other wives tale out there.

I've walked a ton, and baby is still as low as it has been the last 3 weeks or so. The whole sex thing would be way too awkward I think at this point (have you seen my belly?!?!). I tried some spicy food - not spicy hot, just spicy in general, and nothing.

So, long story short, I think I'm just stuck waiting it out. I don't think anything can be done at this point, which I guess I'm okay with since baby is healthy. But, I can't help but think now that my awesome pregnancy and my determined nature to not consume anything they say not to, has made my baby too comfy in there.

You'd think the baby would try to get out just to stretch!

Jenni

Is There An End In Sight?

We all know that once you get pregnant, the baby has to come out eventually, right? I hate to say it, but some days I wonder.


I went to my 38 week check on Tuesday, July 3rd. We had an ultrasound done right away, and here's what we learned:

- Baby is the same sex as before. Ha ha, I thought the sex might have been wrong the first time around and all the clothes we bought and washed would have been off. But no, it's the same. :-)

- Baby has 2 legs, feet and toes. Yes, I'm going to count every finger and toe when baby is out.

- Baby has at least one arm, hand and fingers. Because of the way they were laying we couldn't see the other ones.

- Baby has giant chubby cheeks. The ultrasound lady kept talking about how big the cheeks were. Lol. I can't wait to squeeze them!

- There IS only one baby. My family has a history of "hiding twins," but not for me. Everyone thought for sure there would be like 5 in there because my Mom and Dad are both twins, but not this time around. Maybe next time. :-)  *Yes, it should have been me because the generation it skipped was theirs. Meaning, my grandmas had twins, my parents didn't/shouldn't, so it was my turn.

- Baby has hair. She didn't say how much exactly though. And, we couldn't get the top of the baby's head because it was in my pelvis, so all we got was the back, and unless our little one only has a ring of hair like George Castanza, there will be some hair right away.

- Lastly, the baby's weight. Baby is at 8 lbs, 6 oz. That is just an estimate by the measurements they could take. So, it's a give/take of 1 lb, 4 oz. With that bit of info, our baby could be at 9 lbs, 10 oz! Yowza! And keep in mind that every day the baby grows more!

After the Ultrasound we sat in with the doctor. As far as my check went, I'm still at 4cm and 80%. Pelvis has still not budged. She asked me if I was ready to go now. I said yes, I'm dying to go now, so then she asked when I wanted to schedule something. I paused, I stumbled, and I said that I still wanted to go on my own. I know, crazy, right?

I started to think that since the baby couldn't drop much b/c of my narrow pelvic opening that maybe that's why I hadn't gone into labor yet. But the doctor assured me that it's not necessarily the baby's position, but hormones and body "balance" that will make me finally go. With that said, we have decided on the 16th - 2 days past my due date.

I really want to go into labor on my own. I want to experience the whole enchilada. The whole sche-bang. In my daydreams I can see me calling Gene at work and telling him it's time, he rushes home, loads the bags and car seat, and we head off on our adventure. This is ideal to me. Now, if it's past my due date, I'm sure I will be ready to be induced if needed, but for the time being, I thought I'd leave it alone.

Since I've made that decision I've been less miserable. In a way, anyway. I feel like it's on my terms now. There's nothing wrong with baby to need to go right away, so why not wait it out. Why not let nature take it's course.

So, here I sit. Typing. Waiting. Working. Waiting. Eating. Waiting.

1 week, 1 day until due date. Think good thoughts for me to go into labor. :-)

Jenni

My Support Group

Well, the weekend is over, I'm back at work, and I still haven't had the baby yet. Yes, I'm getting more miserable with every passing day. It's not the July heat, it's not the fact that I'm getting bigger, it's not the never-ending bathroom breaks... it's just that I want to see my stinking baby! Hold them, rock them, sing to them, stare at them for hours on end.

Ugh. Anyway.

You know how doctors, hospitals and classes tell you to find a support group? In my case, they mean a Mommy-and-Me type of group, or a Post-Pardem group. Well, I think I have mine. I call them my Twitter gals. One I know from high school who is due a week after me - Megan Steinmann (previously Houlihan) - and the other two I've never met but Megan is freinds with... I don't know what they prefer to be called, but when I talk about them I call them Aly and Liz.

It's funny to think about the fact that 3 women who talk to me only through Twitter and blogs could be so wonderful to me. I try to think about what my pregnancy would have been like had I not had them to confide in. I think I would be even more miserable. Lol.

Aly had her baby first. A girl. She calls her AR (Autumn is her first name, her middle name escapes me). I read her tweets during her labor and then read her detailed blogs (and tweets of course) that came after she got home as well. Through her I've learned a lot more of what to expect during "regular" childbirth, and then so much about after you get home and breast-feeding as well. Her blogs make me cry almost every time I read one. I think it's the details... the new mom details. When I read her blogs I want my baby even more.

Liz had her baby I want to say two weeks after Aly. A boy. She confirmed that Mercy does in deed have a wait for a L&D room sometimes. I've heard that before and always wondered if it was a rumor, but nope, it's true. Through Liz I learned more about a C-Section, which is more in my head than anything else now. I also read her infant care class blog, seeing as they rescheduled mine, and her blog about what she needed at the hospital which was helpful for packing my bags. Side Note - Her grandfather just passed away. He was like her father figure growing up, and through her blog and tweets I relived parts of what Gene went through when his dad passed away a few months ago.

Megan (who I've known since high school) and I are so close with our due dates that it seems like we go through all of the same stuff at the same times. I hate to admit this, and it may sound bad, but I love it because when I'm miserable, chances are so is she, and when she's miserable, so am I. Lol. Misery loves company. We occasionally bounce stuff off of each other, to see if it's normal. It's helpful, really. Her blogs, while they contain a lot of CrossFit info which is over my head, are more like her diary. They list everything going on with her pregnancy and I like to see how we compare. It seems like we both have had pretty mild pregnancies.

These three girls are exactly what I needed. I would have been lost without them. Even though I don't really know Aly and Liz I still ask them questions, and for advice. I'm sure it will be even more so after Baby Brink is here. Without them all, I don't think I would have held together as well.

So, Megan, thanks so much for introducing us!

I didn't know why I got back onto Twitter, and I had no idea what it had in store for me, but low and behold, it gave me the support and strength I needed to make it through this new, exciting and scary chapter of my life. And look, I also have a blog now to keep track of everything so that one day my child(ren) can see what I was like.

Megan, Aly, Liz... I'm very grateful. :-)

Jenni

The Waiting Game

So, here I am. Still pregnant at 38 weeks. Yes, I do know that full term technically has always been 40 weeks, but baby is huge and actually a baby is considered full term at 37 weeks. So it's time for this bundle of joy to make its appearance already.

But instead of me seeing my baby, I sit every day and every night playing the waiting game. It's all I do anymore. I get home, eat, and then sit there thinking "why isn't my baby making its way out yet?" Weekends are even more depressing now because I can't even fathom doing anything but having a baby.

I'm getting upset. I'm getting miserable. Not to mention irritable and downright angry at times.

I blame myself. If I hadn't had such an easy pregnancy I probably would have had the baby already instead of my body making up for it being a cinch by taking forever to go into labor. And, if I hadn't pushed so hard to get the entire house ready for the baby, and it was still in the process, I'd probably be surprised with an early baby. Instead, I am completely ready and yet no baby.

I fully understand that s/he will be here any day, or as my husband says "soon enough," but soon enough is NOT soon enough. Today is good, yesterday was better, last week was best. Now, I talk to him/her all the time coaxing them to come out. I say that they can stretch out more out here, but yet nothing. Then I cry because does this mean that they don't want to be with us?

I know, I know, it's all ridiculous, but all I have is time. Time to think about all the reasons why baby isn't here yet. Time to think about everything that could go wrong during labor and delivery. Time to think over if I did something wrong during pregnancy. Time to think about if there's something wrong with my baby. That is precisely why this baby needs to come out... the longer it takes, the more bad thoughts I think and go CRAZY.

Updates:

I went to the doctor for my 37 week check this past Tuesday (6/26/12). I am now 4cm dilated, 80% effaced. Bag of waters is still soft, so she doesn't think that will pop anytime soon. Also, another thing she noticed is that my pelvic opening is small, so baby's head probably wont be able to pass through... which means a c-section is pretty much my only option. However, the "regular way" is not ruled out so I need to try for it until the doctor says it's not working, and then we will move to have the cesarian.

Once she told me this, I was fine with it. I said "okay" right away without a second thought. Gene and I have seen the videos, we know the options and the possibilities, so at first I thougth it was no big deal. However, as soon as we left the doctor's office I started to think. About everything. And worry.

I've had 6 surgeries in my life already, 4 of them were larger and had risks with them. I was not planning to add another to that list, and every time I thought about Gene and I going through the whole labor process and meeting our baby for the first time it was not with me laying there with my organs on the table out of my body.

I had always thought to myself that each person's body is only so strong. What if my body was only allowed to have so many surgeries until it gave up during the next? What if it can't handle a c-section? I've been practicing my kegels, and breathing and preparing for labor... but how am I supposed to prepare for this (if it actually happens)? I mean, look at me, I'm a bigger girl, how can I have a skinny pelvis?!?!?!?!

Well.......

If this baby doesn't show by Tuesday, I will have an ultrasound and another check, and then we should know even more. I'm okay with going now. I don't need to have the ultrasound. I'd rather just see baby in person than on a screen. So, if you're reading this, think good thoughts, say a little prayer and wish me luck because I need this baby out!!!

Jenni

It's Getting Close

Yes, it's coming to the end of my pregnancy. I've got just 2 weeks, 4 days until my due date. Here's hoping I don't make it that far, but if I do then so be it.

I can definitely tell that it's getting close. How? It's hard to explain. It's not just the fact that at this point it feels like I'm holding a bowling ball in and it's about to fall out at any minute. I feel different. I feel... weird. I can't explain it, and I'm not sure that this is normal for everyone, but it's like I'm walking on cloud nine, not a care in the world. Or maybe it's more like an out-of-body experience? Naaaaah. Maybe it's more like my body is flipping out on me. Whatever it is, I've never felt anything like it. Sometimes it's like I need to vomit. Lol.

So, since we all know it could be any minute, this weekend was filled with lots of to-dos. Yesterday alone, Gene and I got more done around the house than we have the past 8 months.

- Car seat bases in (have to have firemen check out mine though).
- Sun screens in car.
- All floor mats washed.
- All floors swept, vacuumed, mopped, carpet cleaned, etc.
- Box in fridge for milk bags and pump parts.
- New shower curtain up.
- Baskets in bathroom replaced with fancy new ones.
- Baby's bath stuff has a place of it's own.
- Baby's bottles, pacis, containers, etc. all boiled and sanitized.
- Bottle warmer set up and ready to go.
- High-chair put together and ready to go (for months down the road, haha).
- Stroller put together and ready to go.
- Every counter-top or surface cleaned and sanitized.
- Every dish washed.
And so much more.......

There are still a few things that need to be done that I've delegated to Gene since he is off 3 days a week, and he better get them done soon just in case. :-) However, I feel like I'm going the extreme because I even want to do things like trim the bush in the front yard, put mulch around the trees in the back yard... like the baby is really going to care about those things!

I've also had a revelation that Gene and I have so much crap! I can't believe just how much stuff we are attached to. Why do we have such a hard time throwing things out, or selling them? I mean, it shouldn't be an issue to throw out that old coolie cup that we haven't even considered using in years b/c it's falling apart. But yet it turns out that Gene has some special bond with it. Lol. We are going to need some help. Lol.

Update: Baby may be head down and low, but s/he is also way up in my ribs. It's hard to breathe, hard to put lotion on my legs, hard to get in and out of the car, and so much more. I also find myself worrying more about if s/he is okay in there. There maybe a lot of movement, but even a baby with problems would move around and have a strong heartbeat.

**Got a call from my OB's office, and they've rescheduled my ultrasound until July 3rd. It's a week and a half before I'm due... I mean what's the point then? Why pay all that money when I could pop any day? I've cried 3 times about the reschedule already. I don't feel like it's fair somehow, and I'm an emotional wreck. At least I could have seen my baby and made sure s/he is okay.
I'm just a worry-wart.

Jenni

Week 36 Update

Today I hit the 37 week mark... here's me today:

I had my week 36 check-up this past Tuesday (the 19th), which was actually 36 weeks, 4 days. It was to be my first "thinning check" and Gene didn't think he would be comfortable in the room with the doctor "down there," so while he drove me there he waited in the waiting room and I went in alone.

First of all, I just want to say that I LOVE my doctor. I used to just see nurse practitioners so I never even met her until I became pregnant, and I'm sorry to say that I will be super sad to not see her for regular check-ups after Baby Brink is here. But, I understand that she is super busy and it's easier for her to handle the pregos while the NPs see the routine check-ups. I can also sense that she knows I like her so much more than her co-doctor-person there (idk what they call her). I hope I get my doctor when I go into labor!

So when in the room she checks the heartbeat, which is good (she doesn't always tell me what it is), she measures my belly (she NEVER tells me this one), and then she does the thinning check (which is inside). I heard that when she does the "hand checks" it hurts a bit, and yes, it does. It feels like a very severe period cramp. VERY severe. Haha, before she even did it I said that I heard it hurt and she says "oh, you'll just feel some pressure." Well, I don't know if it's because of what I'm about to tell you next, but it wasn't just pressure, it hurt. Not enough to cry, but enough to remember that it hurt and be nervous for next week's check.

So, while she's checking, she says to me "Oh! It looks like you're at 1cm already. Oh, no, wait, 3cm!" I think my eyes bugged out there, lol. Then she says "And there's the head, I can feel your baby's head so s/he is low." First thing I thought here was I guess there's no more hanky panky for Gene because I'm not going to risk hitting my baby in the head (sorry if you're reading this mom!).

After the check was done and she helps me sit up, she sat down and says "I'm going to schedule an ultrasound for next week for you." Whoa! Hold the train. I replied "Well, the girls at the front desk had told me before that I would only get another ultrasound if you thought there was something wrong. Do you think there is something wrong?" She said "No, not at all, we just need a diagnosis code to be able to bill (I"m very familiar with this so no more explanation is needed there) and I need to check your baby's weight because you're measuring bigger than usual."

I asked how much I was measuring. I was between 36 and 37 weeks so I should be around there, and she said I was at 40 already, which in my mind means a possible full-term baby! See, baby's head is way low, low enough to feel with a hand already, and yet baby is also way up in my ribs. So, it's either a big baby, or s/he is stretched out in there and not all compact like most are. Either way, after the ultrasound on Tuesday we should know more. Here's hoping it's not a 12lb. baby! I mean, I'll still take it of course, but ouch!

Oh, here's the other kicker... the doctor said she'd be out of town this weekend in Miami, so if I "go" this weekend it would be the other doctor to deliver. I paused and said "so you think I can go this early?" Her response was "well, your water is still a little tight, so you probably wont go by the weekend, but it might be sooner than we thought." So there you have it folks... it can be any day now.

So now that I know I'm super close I've been frantically trying to get everything bought, cleaned, disinfected, set up, organized, etc. There's so much to do, and here I thought I had it all under control.

Side Notes:

- My swelling has gotten worse. I now wake up with swollen feet and ankles and it lasts all day long. I've reduced my salt intake, and I can't increase my water intake because I already drink water like I breathe it or something, so I think it's just part of the game at this point. Even elevation is no help. Oh well.

- As I just mentioned I've been drinking water like I'll never drink again. I have no idea why, but I'm thirsty all day long and ice and water are my best friends. I eat 52oz of QT ice every morning (well, after it melts it probably more like 40oz), fill my same cup with water and drink 52oz of water by about 7pm, and then either I drink more water, or lately it's been snow cones. Mmmmm, Molly O's Tropical Sno has a birthday cake flavor that is to die for! Yum!

- I itch. All over. All day and night. It took forever to fall asleep last night because every 5 seconds somewhere else would itch. It's like this all the time. Even lotion is no cure. I read that itching like this could be a sign that there's liver damage, but I'm trying not to ponder on that.

- I definitely got the pregnancy mask that so many talk about, and it's not just on my face. I plan to visit the dermatologist while I'm on leave b/c I'm tired of being so blotchy. I've never read anywhere if I can expect it to go away on it's own.

- Gene is nesting. It is so cute. He says he's ready to expand our family. Some of the things he says or the looks he gives me just melts my heart and I could cry at the drop of a hat. He is going to be such a good Daddy and I find myself more excited to see him with our baby than anything else. I'm even getting teary-eyed just thinking about it now. I don't know how I got so lucky, and a lot of times I wonder when it's going to fall apart, but I might just lock him in the basement so I can keep him forever. ;-)

Here he is putting together the baby's new swing:

So, I'm still playing the waiting game. It's getting harder and harder and I cry sometimes because I just want our baby to be here. To me, I feel like I've waited long enough, and I keep telling Baby B to just come out and meet us already, but still nothing. I hope this isn't a sign that our baby wont listen to what we tell it. Haha.

3 weeks to go.

Jenni

Breast-Less Feeding

BEWARE: This gets personal!!!

So, by now most people are aware of my plan to breast feed by pump only. For those of you who were not aware, I am choosing this route because I do not feel that I would be comfortable with baby on there directly, but yet I know the greatness of breast milk is supposed to be better than anything else. So, my resort is to pump exclusively.

Now, since I only plan to do this for 4 weeks (I want to dry up before I go back to work) I cannot see paying $200+ for a good pump. So I've decided to rent a pump and parts from the hospital - it comes with everything that's not disposable, it's been sanitized well by the hospital, it's hospital grade (supposedly the best) and as long as I return it to them clean and in it's original condition it is only $45 per month to rent. This, I feel, is a win-win.

Even though I've got my whole plan in place, I still keep questioning doing the "real" thing. Why? Well, let me break my thoughts down for you:

Pros to the "Real" Thing:
- I can just feed baby right away and not have to worry about anything else. Feed, and done.
*Hmmmm, that's the only one I can think of.

Cons to the "Real" Thing:
- I have very sensitive nipples (to be quite frank, lol). Sometimes the slightest touch could literally piss me off. Would it be different if it was my baby though?
- Gene wouldn't get to feed the baby until after done with 4 weeks. Unless we make plans to do so with a bottle, but then I'd just be pumping anyway.
- With my Mom staying with me for 3 weeks or so, I don't think I'd be comfortable with baby being on my boob with her there. I mean, what would she be thinking? Ew. We are just not that type of family.

Now...

Pros to Pumping:
- Gene can feed baby any time he wants to. As well as my family members feeding baby too.
- I can go into the other room to pump while someone watches the baby so I can do it all in private. I'm sure it will be trial and error and I might not want the embarrassment.
- I wont feel awkward having a baby on my boobs (previously Gene's territory), and I wont get that irritating feeling of something on my nipples.

Cons to Pumping:
- It can take longer to extract the milk (some people say it takes up to 45 minutes to empty every time).
- Will I feel like a cow?
- Will I still feel awkward with my Mom knowing I'm in the other room milking myself?

Okay...

Same for the two:
- As long as I keep the pump parts in the fridge, I will only need to clean them once a day if pumping... which would be the same as the "real" thing (b/c I'd still pump some to keep stored away).
- The frequency would be the same, about every 2-3 hours between pumpings/feedings, and even at bedtime.
- Supposedly the same amount of soreness, but I'm sure this could vary.

Now that I put it down on "paper" I think I might feel more comfortable about the whole Pump-Only option I've been planning on. I know it will be time consuming, and I'm sure I will get very emotional being milked all day long, but I'm confident that I can get a routine going and maybe it will all work itself out.

Anyone have any additional thoughts on this for me to consider? This is all new to me, so any advice would be great to hear.

3 weeks, 4 days until due date! Yay!

Jenni

Wishy-Washy

Want to hear something funny? I got on here to blog about how hard being pregnant has been for me lately. I was going to go on and on, and on about my swelling, and achy back, and itchy skin, and sleepless nights from potty breaks, and so much more. But before I started my post, I read the ones posted recently by Alyssa and Liz (new Mommys), and once I was done I said to myself "Wait, what was I going to talk about?" Now all I have in my head is "I cannot wait to meet my baby!" Not that I ever quit thinking it, but it's the prominent thought again.

So, while I now have nothing really to talk about, I thought maybe I'd still do a short blurb about how things are progressing. I haven't been to the doc yet again, but I go next Tuesday. I weighed myself last night and I am at 13 pounds now, and I expect to be around 14 or so for the appointment. Also, at this next visit I should get my Strep B results and my first "thinning" check. Hubs says he will drive me there but he doesn't want to go in the room with me because he thinks he would feel uncomfortable with the doc "down there." Lol.

Now that I'm 4 weeks away from due date (and wondering if I will possibly go early) I'm starting to panic every so often about things.

I am going to be a mom. Forever. In charge of a little person. When I can barely take care of me.

I guess that's my biggest thing... it's forever, and I might suck at it. How nerve wrecking!

But then I start thinking more, and I get so excited! Ugh. I'm a mess! Nervous, excited, nervous, excited...

I am going to try my hardest to not post negative comments about being pregnant, although I'm sure I will eventually anyway. And I'm going to try to focus on the fact that I will have a little bundle of joy int he end. Here I was naive and thought that since the first 33 weeks were so easy, the last 7 would be too. Boy was I wrong, and it's just getting harder.

Here's hoping that I can handle this better.

Jenni

Week 34 Check & More

I had my week 34 check last night. As soon as I get there the PCC informed me that the doctor was still out for a delivery and I'd have to see the other doctor - who I call "the back-up-plan." I know this shouldn't bother me because one day she might just be rushing off to deliver my bundle of joy... but it does bother me. It's the 3rd time this has happened!

Right before I got called in the nurse came out and said Dr. C was on her way and I decided to go ahead and wait for her since I had already been waiting 40 minutes. I like Dr. C so much better; she has a sense of humor and can tell me things from experience because she's had kids before. She just always puts me at ease when I'm uncomfortable or worried.

I had a list of questions for her when she came in which she answered all of them exactly how I knew she would. Kind of seems silly to waste her time when I know what she is going to say. She did call me in an Rx for my bum. :-) Let's hope this stuff works better than everything else.

So here's the gist: I'm up to 12 pounds gained (averaging a pound a week now, and I can totally tell that it's going everywhere but my belly), belly measured 35 which is great, BP was good, and swelling, although a lot for me, was considered minimal. Everything is on track to go the full term. To be honest, I was hoping she'd want me to have another ultrasound, but no such luck. Oh well.

She did the strep B test this time which I didn't feel at all, and next appointment starts the hand checks for how my "insides" are progressing. I told Gene that if he was uncomfortable with it he didn't have to go with me anymore; he couldn't go yesterday as we had someone come in and fix some stuff in the baby's room. I'm nervous about the hand checks because I heard they can be painful.

Since my appointment was pretty uneventful for the most part, I'm going to lump in some other stuff to this blog.

Work.

Two and a half weeks ago I sent my "Post-Leave Schedule Proposal" to my direct supervisor to take to my "big boss" to go over. I had requested that we have all the details worked out within a two week time frame, and I found out today that it has not even been discussed yet. And the "big boss" is on vacation until next week Wednesday. It's so frustrating because just like everything else around here it will probably get pushed back until the last second.

Gene.

Gene admitted to me last week that he is scared. About having a baby. I think that was the most honest Gene has ever been to me about his feelings. He normally just keeps everything in, which bothers me because who knows what he's thinking. But once he told me that he was scared... you know, I don't know how I felt about it... I think I was just in shock that he was scared of something.

I know that he isn't experiencing much with baby now because it's inside me for the moment, and he is overwhelmed with how much we still have to do to the house in preparation for baby, but I didn't think he was scared. I'm the one who has to get this baby out somehow and yet I couldnt' be more excited to have our bundle here already.

Maybe he's scared we wont be any good at this. He's great though. He shouldn't worry at all. Even with Okie, he always knows what to do, and what she wants, and helps her when she needs it. If anyone should be scared it should be me.

Me.

So, I'm out of breath all the time now - I'm assuming this is due to baby taking up all the room inside for my lungs. Even when I get out of bed to go to the bathroom and then get back in bed I'm huffing and puffing away. It doesn't bother me too terribly bad, but I think it gets on Gene's nerves sometimes.

Acid Reflux is really bad. Every other night I wake up choking from whatever it is coming up into my throat and suffocating/drowning me. I eat Tums a lot at night now. Almost any time I get up I pop a couple. It even happened to Gene once too - it was the first time ever and I think it was "sympathy reflux."

I get pretty bad stomach pains. It's not gas, but it is like a bloated feeling. Sometimes it makes it hard to even stand up straight. I just lean back in a chair to work or relax and it seems to be fine... until I get up again. I'm thinking this just comes with the home stretch territory.

Over the weekend I wore some strappy sandals and couldn't reach to get them buckled. Gene had to do it for me, and once in front of his friends at the pool. They picked on him because of it but I am very grateful.

I also cannot see stairs when I'm going down so I have to lean to one side to see where I'm going. And then I also find myself getting more clumsy - this morning just going to sit in my car I somehow dumped half of my tea down my leg.

It's almost over though!

All in all things are going well. And each day I get even more anxious about Baby B getting here. I cannot wait!

Jenni

Last Childbirth Class

Well, Gene and I made it through 4 childbirth preparation classes. Let me first say that while I feel better about some things like the epidural, I am now more terrified than ever about all the different things that could be "wrong" with baby. It's crazy! Who knows what Baby B will be like when they enter the world.

Anyway, so very first off the guys in the class had to sign a waiver to use the fake maternal tummy. Here is Gene (who got to go first):



He was a trooper. He sat there for about 30 minutes fidgeting, sighing, switching positions, leaning forward, leaning back. Lol. Then, when the teacher asked him if he felt more sympathy for me he chuckled and replied "no." She asked why not, and he said "well she's only gained 10 pounds so far and this is 35." But, she made him try to reach his shoes to tie them, and a couple other things and he saw how difficult it really was to perform simple tasks. *Last night every time I accidentally woke him up trying to get out of bed to go pee he gave me a nudge to help, so I think the teacher got her point across. :-) 

The other guys in class were definitely being boys about wearing the belly. They kept taking pictures and whining and such. I'm glad Gene acted like an adult for his part. Except the fact that he (and the other guys too) had to grab onto the boobs as soon as he got the thing on. Lol. It was like gravity for all of them which is funny because they aren't real of course.

I'm pretty sure I look better pregnant than he does. Ha ha.

We went over everything postpartum last night. I cannot believe everything they do to our poor babies! And let's not even discuss the fact that boy babies back in the day (not really that long ago) didn't even get numbed before being circumcised. Even though the baby can't yell or do anything but cry it's horrific to think about them being in that kind of pain right out of the womb.

The left-over cord creeps me out. All I can picture is that episode of Sex in the City where Brady (Miranda's baby) was just chilling there when his fell off, and the cat got a hold of it and started playing with it and chewing on it. Gag me! Side note here... When I was about 11 or 12 we found out that a part of my cord was left behind. I all of a sudden started getting infections in my belly button and finally they realized what it was. They used the silver nitrate on it, but my belly button has never been the same since. I'm hoping that was a fluke and isn't a common thing.

The most fun of the night was when she went over the different ways to hold the baby and how to change a diaper and swaddle them. Since we are taking an infant care class in June where we will do that stuff in more detail I let Gene do it all this time around. He was so cute. So cautious. Seeing him do that to the fake baby made me that much more anxious for ours to get here.

We saw a video about how to sponge bathe your baby until the cord falls off, and we saw how to give them a real bath. They talked about breast feeding and about all of the emotions that will hit like a train. We saw tons and tons of pictures about different skin conditions (common and uncommon) and different things that could be a result of labor (funny shaped heads, enlarged breasts on baby, enlarged genitals on baby, etc.). And what I found interesting was all of the information on how to take care of yourself after baby. I'm already having issues, and then there will be more?!?! I guess I always knew there would be, but I wish I didn't find out for sure ahead of time. Some things are better off being unknown.

The teacher gave us a ton of formula, and a voucher for 24 bottles of Enfamil formula too. We got a lot of info on where to go to get our car seats put in by someone else, and where to go for mommy and me type classes. Oh, and I'm thinking more and more about breastfeeding instead of pumping now but I think I'll wait until baby's birthday to decide. 

So that was the gist of last night's class. The mood was light as it signaled we were that much closer to our due dates, and the topics were all about our babies being here. I really enjoyed taking the classes, and while everyone says I wont use the breathing I hope that I retain a lot of what I learned to use in other areas. I especially hope I remember the steps to swaddle the baby!

My first baby shower is Sunday, so I should have a good post on Monday.

Until then.

Jenni