Crazy-Headed

You know that scene at the end of the Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part One movie where Bella is sleeping on the surface (or seems like it) and she is screaming and writhing in pain in her head? I’m going through a similar situation. Okay, so it’s not painful, and I’m not sleeping, but on the surface I look like I do any other day (at least I think) but in my head I’m flailing my arms around and making unrecognizable gibberish noises. I have too much going on in real life and in my head to be sane anymore. I’m going to lose it. At any moment. Any. Second.

I have no idea how to calm myself. I can’t even stay up long enough after Emma goes to bed to have some wine and relax. I try to get some R&R when Emma is up and playing on her own, but after 30 seconds I usually get “Momma! Momma! Get up!” Ugh. How can I say no to my child wanting me? So I go from watching less than a minute of Peppa Pig (I didn’t say I get to watch anything for myself while relaxing), to sitting on the floor watching Emma pull apart the wooden train tracks I just put together for the twenty-second time in four days. [insert eye roll and sigh here]

At work, while I am in the one department now, I still have a huge chunk of another. I manage my time well. I’m a fast-paced worker. I can learn things quickly or take enough notes to where you never have to show me again. What I can’t do, is take two 30-40 hour demanding jobs and squeeze them into one 40-45 hour work week. Stuff is falling through the cracks and I’m losing my cool. I’m not good at handling confrontation, so I don’t like to disappoint. But it’s on the verge because it’s all growing, and I’m still one person. *Man, I hope upper management doesn’t read this and think I can’t do the job… I just need the authority to start holding people responsible or something. Or an assistant. ;-)

My “Super-Mom” friend Alyssa does about a million things with her kiddo, so I saw the need to start doing more activities with Emma. So, I signed her up for swim lessons. They don’t really teach you how to swim on your own, it’s all about basic water introduction and minor swimming approaches. I’m two weeks in and I’m exhausted. I’m sore. Literally, sore. The first week went fantastic! Emma was thrilled. She was in awe. She loved the water, loved the songs, loved the exercises and most of all loved watching the other kids. I was relieved. The second week, Grandma and PawPaw came to watch. Oy vey. It was fine at first, but I told my Mom to come down from the upper seating to get better pictures, and boy, was that a mistake. The rest of the time it was all “want out” or “wanna’ go up there.” Even when my Mom left the area (she noticed Emma wanted to play with her instead) Emma knew Grandma was still there so it didn’t stop. I really hope next week isn’t that bad because it might just be my breaking point.

Church is going well. We are in the book of Nehemiah through the summer. I can honestly say that besides the name, I can’t remember a darned thing about this book. I need to read it completely before next Sunday because I find myself losing my focus because I’m wondering what he’s going to do next. What’s funny is that this past sermon, Pastor Noah talked about the “Nehemiah Overflow.” It’s just a nickname really, but it’s that moment when you just can’t hide your emotion any longer, but it’s unintentional. You’ve probably all seen it at work for sure. Think of that one person who seems to just be so unhappy in their position that they are constantly wearing a scowl even though they act as if everything is okay. That scowl, that frown that they can’t hide, that’s the “Nehemiah Overflow.” Sometimes I wonder if there’s a look of crazy on my face at work. Hahaha.

Anyway, there are a few things with the church that have been tugging at me for a while (besides the fact that Emma doesn’t want me to leave her in toddler Sunday school). They’re stuck in my mind all the time (one more thing to fill my thoughts). I really want to get my foot in the church more, but I feel like Gene isn’t in it whole-heartedly like I am. I want to be more involved, but I just don’t see him getting into it because I think he’s still in the mindset of “we go because we are supposed to go, not because we want to go.” I want to go. I actually want to go Wednesdays too. What I don’t want to do is volunteer my time if my husband doesn’t want me to. Another is that I feel bad for people watching my child when I don’t take a turn and watch theirs. I have no idea who to talk to about this, but I would totally take a shift of Sunday School a time or two so that they can enjoy the sermon as well. Lastly, and this is probably just me trying to put icing on the cake here, but I wish the church was more… fun, for lack of a better word. Maybe the last church I went to was just that good, or maybe it was because I was young and got to do all the fun stuff, but I remember there being dinners afterwards. Or Mom-and-Me events. An Easter egg hunt, a play, a Halloween party, etc. This church is newer, and there aren’t nearly as many goers as the last church I was at, but I think a good church community is how you get it to grow. But I don’t think I’m the person who can make those changes happen.  Maybe I'm just needy.

I’m contemplating putting Emma in daycare. It's a tough internal struggle with this one. Some of you know the back story for this, but I recently had a need to get her into a daycare. I put it off out of fear, and things are kind of okay how they are right now. However, I can’t lose the thought for some reason. Something just keeps telling me to check out daycares and get her into one. Maybe it’s “momtuition” telling me that she could learn a lot about life and behavior from the environment. So, I’m making lists and Gene and I will be checking out some places on vacation next month.

Okay, I guess I’m done putting my burdens on you. Besides the crazy hectic life going on, everything is great! Emma is wonderful; getting bigger and smarter by the day. Gene and I are still employed, roof over our heads, cars that work, great kid, cute dog, etc. Family is good. Life is good. Hectic and crazy, but good. Now, here’s hoping I don’t lose my mind so I can keep watching it all happen!