The Waiting Game

So, here I am. Still pregnant at 38 weeks. Yes, I do know that full term technically has always been 40 weeks, but baby is huge and actually a baby is considered full term at 37 weeks. So it's time for this bundle of joy to make its appearance already.

But instead of me seeing my baby, I sit every day and every night playing the waiting game. It's all I do anymore. I get home, eat, and then sit there thinking "why isn't my baby making its way out yet?" Weekends are even more depressing now because I can't even fathom doing anything but having a baby.

I'm getting upset. I'm getting miserable. Not to mention irritable and downright angry at times.

I blame myself. If I hadn't had such an easy pregnancy I probably would have had the baby already instead of my body making up for it being a cinch by taking forever to go into labor. And, if I hadn't pushed so hard to get the entire house ready for the baby, and it was still in the process, I'd probably be surprised with an early baby. Instead, I am completely ready and yet no baby.

I fully understand that s/he will be here any day, or as my husband says "soon enough," but soon enough is NOT soon enough. Today is good, yesterday was better, last week was best. Now, I talk to him/her all the time coaxing them to come out. I say that they can stretch out more out here, but yet nothing. Then I cry because does this mean that they don't want to be with us?

I know, I know, it's all ridiculous, but all I have is time. Time to think about all the reasons why baby isn't here yet. Time to think about everything that could go wrong during labor and delivery. Time to think over if I did something wrong during pregnancy. Time to think about if there's something wrong with my baby. That is precisely why this baby needs to come out... the longer it takes, the more bad thoughts I think and go CRAZY.

Updates:

I went to the doctor for my 37 week check this past Tuesday (6/26/12). I am now 4cm dilated, 80% effaced. Bag of waters is still soft, so she doesn't think that will pop anytime soon. Also, another thing she noticed is that my pelvic opening is small, so baby's head probably wont be able to pass through... which means a c-section is pretty much my only option. However, the "regular way" is not ruled out so I need to try for it until the doctor says it's not working, and then we will move to have the cesarian.

Once she told me this, I was fine with it. I said "okay" right away without a second thought. Gene and I have seen the videos, we know the options and the possibilities, so at first I thougth it was no big deal. However, as soon as we left the doctor's office I started to think. About everything. And worry.

I've had 6 surgeries in my life already, 4 of them were larger and had risks with them. I was not planning to add another to that list, and every time I thought about Gene and I going through the whole labor process and meeting our baby for the first time it was not with me laying there with my organs on the table out of my body.

I had always thought to myself that each person's body is only so strong. What if my body was only allowed to have so many surgeries until it gave up during the next? What if it can't handle a c-section? I've been practicing my kegels, and breathing and preparing for labor... but how am I supposed to prepare for this (if it actually happens)? I mean, look at me, I'm a bigger girl, how can I have a skinny pelvis?!?!?!?!

Well.......

If this baby doesn't show by Tuesday, I will have an ultrasound and another check, and then we should know even more. I'm okay with going now. I don't need to have the ultrasound. I'd rather just see baby in person than on a screen. So, if you're reading this, think good thoughts, say a little prayer and wish me luck because I need this baby out!!!

Jenni